Eight Trends SF Champions,
and Eight We Could do Without
By Mark Holland
Illustrations by Jeremy Joven
Legit Punk Rockers may get a pass here, but if you're a Barista with a big man-ass in tight black jeans and some manner of animal tail hanging from your belt, you look like a fucking jerk.
Stepping heels on men.
Not everyone is as tall as they would like to be, that doesn't mean you get to buy a pair of thrift motorcycle boots with a four-inch heel. A little heel I encourage, but it's not as if your T Rex arms aren't going to give you away anyway.
Some Japanese denim you have painfully spent a year not washing are okay. Lucky Jeans with holes in the knees are not, and anything with lots of matching gaping holes down the leg are even worse. Heavy, hemp/yarn contrast stitching and bedazzled patch pockets also kind of scream Israeli flea market or Melrose tourist. Stick with the basics.
I know many of you love 90s fashion, but the problem is that even if you have the body of a porn star, you look ridiculously frumpy in these pants—end of story. One could say that the brazen attitude of the wearer ought to be commended, but for me, these were bad in the 90s and were only made worse via revival. The teenager in mom jeans is one thing, but a woman who suffered through this phase its first time around should really let it go. This trend will likely be replaced for Z Cavariccis, God help us.
particularly on women. These hats are for men over 40, in Miami. If you're a white lady on Union Street nursing a cocaine hangover behind aviators trying with all your might to hold up your "better be at least a karat" Tiffany princess cut, this one's for you.
True Dandiers don't work at Green Apple or Whole Foods—you aren't fooling anyone. It has been said that we should judge the man, not the moustache, but boy is it hard. The worst 'stache is the one on the guy who can't grow one, unless you're Johnny Depp, you don't get to do this. You basically end up looking like James Hetfield, a child molester, someone's uncle, or a guy that just grew a moustache. My advice is that you can eventually transcend the douche baggery if you keep it long enough—really commit.
If you're not on a boat, you don't get to wear these. And if they are patent leather, you should be thrown down a flight of stairs.
Hard to believe we've even seen anything to predicate this. No one wants to see a woman with Zebra leggings, or any print at all. Unless you are Bo Jangles or literally work for the circus, it's a big no-no. In the event that you literally joined the carnival, this probably is low on your list of shit that needs tending to.